I have a small extended family and I only know of one relative, one of my great grandmothers, that suffered a loss. I don't know if there are more losses, things like this are so hush hush. My mother in law also had a miscarriage, but I only know that she took it as a sign she was too old to have more children. So I was kind of in uncharted territory as far as the women in my close circle were concerned when I lost my first baby. Then when I had my second miscarriage, it was even more unexpected. I cried (and I think my parents did too) and I cried and I cried and I was sure I would never have any more children. Well, I did have another child. But I had a very hard time bonding with her in utero because I was so scared of losing her.
So here I am today, pregnant again and super early in my pregnancy. But this time, although I am nervous, I am much more relaxed. In reading some pregnancy forum threads after my daughter was born, I was led to a blog of a woman who suffered many miscarriages. She had developed the most amazing mantra. I can't remember it word for word, but the gist is "I am pregnant today and I am happy today." I repeat that to myself often. Although it doesn't remove all anxiety about losing this baby, it helps me through the tough times and allows me to be excited.
I am definitely not happy about losing two babies, but I took those events and learned a lot about a lot of things. Namely, that babies are extremely complicated and so many things have to line up just right for them to grow and thrive. I learned that people grieve the way they grieve and no one can say whether it is right or not. I also learned that telling people about miscarriages makes it easier to say and admit to yourself as well as opens up a line of communication for others (a close friend miscarried recently and I don't know that she would have told me had I not been open with her about my experiences.) I learned that I am a fearful person, which is something I am working on. And I learned that miscarriage and infant death are treated completely different from other tragedies.
That last point confuses me the most. As horrible as it is, miscarriage is quite common and still births and infant deaths happen too. But we "can't" tell anyone and we suffer alone because it is taboo to bring it up. If my grandmother were to die or my husband, I am pretty sure I would tell people why I was sad or out of sorts or obviously grieving, but I have read posts by women who don't feel like they can say why they are grieving after miscarriages. How sad is that?! Perhaps we have different coping mechanisms for miscarriage and infant loss, but I don't understand why that would be.
Anyway, back to why I have been thinking about this. I feel like miscarriages should be discussed. We need to be more open about it so that women suffering through losses know who to turn to for support, advice, and whatever piece of mind is possibl. And pregnancies should be celebrated from the beginning, especially so women don't have to suffer through morning sickness and other symptoms in silence. But here I sit, pregnant and hesitant to say anything to anyone outside of my immediate family until I hear the baby's heartbeat. Hypocritical much?
I guess babies and parenthood are complicated from the very beginning.
So here I am today, pregnant again and super early in my pregnancy. But this time, although I am nervous, I am much more relaxed. In reading some pregnancy forum threads after my daughter was born, I was led to a blog of a woman who suffered many miscarriages. She had developed the most amazing mantra. I can't remember it word for word, but the gist is "I am pregnant today and I am happy today." I repeat that to myself often. Although it doesn't remove all anxiety about losing this baby, it helps me through the tough times and allows me to be excited.
I am definitely not happy about losing two babies, but I took those events and learned a lot about a lot of things. Namely, that babies are extremely complicated and so many things have to line up just right for them to grow and thrive. I learned that people grieve the way they grieve and no one can say whether it is right or not. I also learned that telling people about miscarriages makes it easier to say and admit to yourself as well as opens up a line of communication for others (a close friend miscarried recently and I don't know that she would have told me had I not been open with her about my experiences.) I learned that I am a fearful person, which is something I am working on. And I learned that miscarriage and infant death are treated completely different from other tragedies.
That last point confuses me the most. As horrible as it is, miscarriage is quite common and still births and infant deaths happen too. But we "can't" tell anyone and we suffer alone because it is taboo to bring it up. If my grandmother were to die or my husband, I am pretty sure I would tell people why I was sad or out of sorts or obviously grieving, but I have read posts by women who don't feel like they can say why they are grieving after miscarriages. How sad is that?! Perhaps we have different coping mechanisms for miscarriage and infant loss, but I don't understand why that would be.
Anyway, back to why I have been thinking about this. I feel like miscarriages should be discussed. We need to be more open about it so that women suffering through losses know who to turn to for support, advice, and whatever piece of mind is possibl. And pregnancies should be celebrated from the beginning, especially so women don't have to suffer through morning sickness and other symptoms in silence. But here I sit, pregnant and hesitant to say anything to anyone outside of my immediate family until I hear the baby's heartbeat. Hypocritical much?
I guess babies and parenthood are complicated from the very beginning.
